Because Everybody Else Has One

It may well be a freaking awful horror film but as a surprisingly self-aware mixture of teen comedy and schlock, Annabelle Comes Home is a surprisingly fun time. I still think it's way past time to close the book on the "Conjuring Universe", though... This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about The Conjuring Universe continues in this third Annabelle film. After their last harrowing encounter with the titular evil doll, Ed and Lorraine Warren are on their way to their next case but, for the sake of them and everyone around them, they drop off Annabelle at their home, where they know she will be kept under control behind a pane of sacred glass in their room of occult objects. Leaving their young daughter, Judy, at home and in the care of her trusted babysitter, Mary Ellen, they head out with the comfort on knowing that their already well-behaved and responsible daughter is in the hands of an equally well behaved and responsible teenage girl and that ...

The subject matter may have deserved a better, or at least more substantial, film but Stockholm certainly deserved better than to crash and burn at the worldwide box office. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Based on the true story that gave rise to the psychological condition known as Stockholm Syndrome in the early ‘70s, an American criminal doesn’t so much rob as hole up in Sweden’s biggest bank by taking hostage a handful of its employees, demanding a million dollars, the immediate release of notorious Swedish bankrobber, Gunnar Sorensson, and safe passage for the both of them out of the country. As the situation roles on, it becomes clear that not all is quite as it seems – and that’s before one of the hostages, Bianca Lind, starts to form an increasingly tight bond with her captor. What we thought Stockholm – or Captor, as it is boringly known in some territories – is one odd duck of a film. The story itself is a textbook example of “truth being str...

Solid movie is solid. On the other hand, not everyone agrees. My review is also up on Channel 24 but, for something of a change, you will also get Channel 24 editor, Herman Eloff's more enthusiastic take on the film right along with it. What it’s about The true story of J.R.R Tolkien who, before becoming one of the most famous and acclaimed fantasy writers ever with the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, faced more than his fair share of troubles. From being orphaned as a young boy to a complicated love affair with a fellow foster child to fighting in World War I, his life was almost as eventful as his novels. These struggles would ultimately shape both the man he would become and the magical worlds he would go on to create but perhaps nothing played a greater role in shaping who he would become than the literary club that he formed with a group of like-minded boys; a “fellowship” that would accompany him through high school, university and, ultimately, the Gr...

I totally forgot to post this last week. Ah well, I'm sure no one really cares that much about the new Men in Black flick, right? Either way, it's been up on Channel 24 since last Friday so hopefully, you saw my review of it there. What it’s about After finding her way into the Men in Black, new recruit Agent M teams up with the roguish Agent H on the seemingly simple assignment of showing an alien VIP a good time before he leaves Earth the next day. When things go horribly wrong, M believes that a mole in the MIB organization betrayed them but can she prove it before a new enemy threatens Earth’s human and alien populations alike. And, worse, can that mole be her new partner, H? What we thought Between the fact that both Men in Black sequels were, at the very least, disappointments after the fresh, funny and inventive original film took the world by storm and helped solidify Will Smith as one of the era’s definitive leading men, and that news of this new sequel/ r...

More John Wick? Is it still quantum, baby? Well, maybe. Baby. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Picking up immediately after the events of John Wick 2, John Wick is now classified as “ex communicado” by the shadowy syndicate of assassins known as “The Table”, which means that every other assassin on the planet is out to get him and he is entirely cut off from all the resources that the Table offers their assassins. Cashing in on every favour owed him, Wick has no choice but to either re-enter the syndicate's good books or vanish so completely off the face of the Earth that no one will ever bother him again. What it’s about After being pretty lukewarm about both of the previous John Wick films, the third instalment hasn’t exactly changed my mind about the series but I can quite confidentially declare John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum to be by far the best John Wick flick to date. If you haven’t liked the other John Wick movies then you won’t...

It's amazing that we've reached a point where a film that portrays the various infidelities of a potential candidate for the US presidency can't help but come across as even quainter than period films set over a century ago but this is the state of the world right now. It's not a great movie, but those interested in US politics will find plenty to enjoy here. This review is also up on Channel 24 .   What it’s about The true story of Gary Hart, the US senator who was considered the front runner to be the Democratic nominee for president in the 1988 elections but whose entire political career was derailed by a series of extramarital affairs that are uncovered by a group of journalists. What we thought There is something almost adorably quaint about the Front Runner. This little film about a presidential front runner who was caught by the press having an elicit affair and whose entire political career collapses as a result, may have been set just thirty years ...

This is probably the "biggie" of the week. It's a weird one, though. Some reviewers absolutely love it. Some hate it. Me, I'm somewhere in the middle. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Alexander Elliot is a normal twelve-year-old boy but when he stumbles across a sword in a stone while fleeing a couple of bullies, he finds himself caught in an adventure where the fate of the Earth itself hangs in balance. The sword in the stone is, in fact, the Sword in the Stone – Excalibur – and the threat is no less than the evil half-sister of Arthur himself, Morgana. Excalibur may have deemed Alex worthy but can he, a now-young Merlin and a ragtag group of child-knights come together to battle this ancient threat or will infighting destroy them before they even get the chance? What we thought The legend of King Arthur and Camelot is the sort of tale that isn’t just timeless in the way it has resonated down the centuries but is pliable enough that it...

Three brand new reviews this week of films of varying quality and genre. Though, I must say, the best film released in SA cinemas this week was, by far, Cold Pursuit, which I haven't reviewed - though I might this coming week, time permitting. Anyway, up first, the silly but reasonably enjoyable, Escape Room. This review, like the next two, is also up on Channel 24 .  What it’s about A group of strangers is promised $10,000 for being able to complete a series of difficult “escape rooms” but when they get to the location they quickly find out that it’s not money but their lives that are on the line. What we thought Replacing the gruesome torture-porn of the Saw films with a no less deadly but significantly more PG13 series of puzzles and traps where one false move can mean a horrible end to one of its lucky contestants, Escape Room does an impressive job of making the puzzles smart enough and deadly enough to keep audiences quite solidly gripped throughout. Or, at least...

We've already had Hollywood trying its luck with Ghost in the Shell so how does it fare with another iconic manga property? Like Ghost in the Shell, adapting Alita: Battle Angel has been, if nothing else, more interesting than one might expect... This review is also on Channel 24 What It’s About Hundreds of years in the future, much of the world lays in ruins as a nuclear World War between Earth’s sky-cities have decimated humanity. One of the planet’s last remaining sky-cities, Tiphares, hovers above a place known simply as Scrapyard City, so named because it is literally a dumping ground for the trash and waste coming from the affluent city above it. When biomechanical expert, Dr. Ido, finds a cyborg head amongst the heaps of garbage routinely discarded from Tiphares, he attaches the head to a mechanical body that he made for his deceased daughter. The transplant is a success but the cyborg has no idea who she is or where she’s from so Ido adopts her as his own and na...

After being spoiled of late with really excellent horror, is there still space for a horror film that is simply very solid? I hope so... This review is also up on Channel 24 . What it’s about As Miles, a gifted child, grows from being a developmentally advanced baby into an exceptionally intelligent eight-year old, his parents start to notice that his brilliance is matched by increasingly worrisome behaviour. Are Miles’ increasingly anti-social actions a result of mental illness or something far more sinister? And what does the death of a ruthless serial killer on the day of Miles’ birth have to do with all of it? As mother, Sarah, and father, John, find their loving relationship taking strain, Sarah finds herself in a battle for the soul of her son, even as he becomes a greater and greater risk to them both. What we thought It’s been weeks since I finished watching it, but I’m still basking in the glow of Netflix’s sublime The Haunting of Hill House and it’s hard for ...

I forgot to post last week's review but, as it turns out, these two films make for a very interesting double bill. Both reviews are on Channel 24 too. The Old Man and the Gun What it’s about  Forrest Tucker is a career bank robber who has spent most of his adult life in and out of prison – usually out, thanks to his uncanny ability to escape even the most notoriously impenetrable prisons – but when he falls for a woman named Jewel, his life of crime comes to a head. Can he stop doing the one thing he’s truly good at and can he do so before he is brought down by a persistent young cop who’s obsessed with his case? Based on a true story. What we thought The Old Man & the Gun has been reported to be Robert Redford’s final film and, though there might be something ironic about finishing such a momentous film career with so small and unassuming a swansong, it actually turned out to be a fairly fitting farewell. It is undoubtedly a very slow, very serene and ultimately ...

Big, dumb and fun might not sound like a ringing endorsement but for an installment in the DCEU (aside for the genuinely fantastic Wonder Woman), it's pretty much an A+ rating. I'm still surprised we got an Aquaman film before a Flash or Green Lantern (oh, right...) movie but it's not like much of anything in the DCEU makes much sense anyway (WW aside, once again). Regardless, DC still has some ways to go before catching up with Marvel but this is definitely another step in the right direction.  This review is also up on Channel 24 . What it’s about Based on the DC Comics character of the same name, Aquaman, real name: Arthur Curry, was born to an Atlantean queen-in-waiting and a land-dwelling fisherman, whose elicit relationship leaves Arthur as a renowned superhero but one without a people of his own. When word gets to Arthur that the current king of Atlantis and his own half-brother, Orm, is planning to launch a concentrated attack on the countries of Earth, the...

If the box office so far is any indication, "mortal" is just about right. Whether it deserves to be neglected in quite the way it has been is, perhaps, a different question altogether but you do have to wonder what the idea was of releasing something like this against a half dozen films that are all but guaranteed to bulldoze over it. Did studios really have that much faith in the Peter Jackson name? This review is also on Channel 24 .  What it’s about In a distant future, Earth has been ravaged by man and nature as anything that massive shifts in the tectonic plates hadn’t done to destabilize the old world order, man-made warfare certainly did. The world now consists of small pockets of Easterners who are able to maintain some of the past in hermetically sealed cities where peace and prosperity are matched by glorious natural landscapes and roaming, mobile cities that pillage the land of any resources left, both natural and man-made. When a young woman with a trauma...

A number of fairly big films came out this week and they're all worth checking out, to some degree or another. I actually hope to get to the others - as well as a bunch of other notable releases from the past year that I haven't reviewed as of yet - as I'm largely finished with professional writing for the rest of the year. Reviews for Channel 24, aside, of course. Anyway, speaking of which, onto this week's Channel 24 review: Creed II...   What it’s about With Rocky Balboa in his corner, Adonis Creed has lived up to his father’s good name as the heavyweight champion of the world, while his personal life is no less rosy as he proposes to his longtime girlfriend, Bianca. When the past comes crashing into his life with a challenge to his title by Viktor Drago, the son of the man who killed his father, Ivan Drago, Adonis comes face to face with a chance for revenge but one that may cost him everything he has. What we thought Seen widely as a return to form fo...

I know, I know, a decent Gerard Butler film. Who saw that coming? This review is also on Channel 24 What it’s about After a coup removes the controversial Russian president, Zakarin, from power, a submarine crew, captained by the newly promoted Captain Joe Glass, must infiltrate Russian waters to rescue President Zakarin and the team of Navy Seals tasked with getting Zakarin out of the clutches of his captors. All that lies between their success and failure is a full-on war between the USA and Russia and a nuclear World War III. What we thought Playing out like an old-fashioned Cold-War/ submarine thriller, Hunter Killer may pay lip-service to the current geopolitical climate (or, at least, since it was clearly made a few years ago, what the current geopolitical climate would look like under Hilary Clinton) but with just a tweak or two, it could easily have come out around the same time as Crimson Tide or even the Hunt For Red October. This is both its greatest strength and...

So much that's so good about this, that it's really too bad how a couple of major plot points all but entirely sink what the film is trying to be. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about When her husband, a famous, critically acclaimed author, is informed that he is to be the recipient of that year’s Nobel Prize in literature, Joan Castleman accompanies him to Stockholm to receive the prize but the trip quickly turns from celebratory into an existential crisis as she is forced to confront some of the biggest decision she has made in her life. What we thought There is something ironic about a film that spends an awful lot of time talking about the importance of creating realistic characters and believable plots in the crafting of a fictional story, when it itself falls prey to some very conspicuous plot-contrivances and characters who act in ways that strain credibility well beyond breaking point. This is an unforgivable, fatal sin for a film that is as pu...

Must... Not... Make... Pooh... Jokes! This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about With Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Wood long behind him, Christopher Robin is now a married man with a young daughter and a steady job. As the demands of his job threaten to make him lose sight of that which is most important in life, his wondrous childhood comes crashing into his life once again as Pooh comes looking for Robin to help him find his missing friends. What we thought Winnie the Pooh is a perennial childhood favourite that somehow continues to work its magic even on today’s kids; a generation of children brought up on the instant-gratification of the latest smartphones and gaming consoles, let alone the spacey, psychedelic horrors of the Teletubbies (that’s somehow still a thing, right?) or some of Cartoon Network’s most hyperactive cartoons. And yet, the quaint, genteel and notably uneventful world that A.A. Milne and Ernest Shepard created over a century ago ...

Something like a year after the pretty great Jackie, we have this look into a crucial period in the life of another Kennedy that is... less great. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it's about Based on a true story, it is July 1969 and Ted Kennedy finds himself in the shadow of his two more famous, murdered brothers, John and Robert, but just as his own political career is about to take off and the road the White House is finally in view, tragedy strikes that threatens to undermine everything he worked for. Driving drunk after a party in the family's summer home on Chappaquiddick Island with Mary Jo Kapechne, one of the Kennedy clan's “Boiler Room Girls”, he drives his car off a bridge into a deep pond: he gets out alive, she does not. With an overbearing father on one side and his cousin and voice of moral conscience, Joe Gargan, on the other, Kennedy is stuck between doing the right thing and confessing to his crime or saving his burgeoning political ca...

A light, fluffy middle-to-late-age romcom that's far more enjoyable than it should be. This review is also on Channel 24 What it's about Sandra is a snobbish, upper-middle-class woman whose life is upturned when she discovers her husband having an affair with her best friend at his retirement party. Storming out of her old, privileged life, she moves in with her estranged older sister, Bif, whose bohemian, free-spirited life couldn't be more different. What we thought Finding Your Feet – a title, incidentally, that I find astonishingly difficult to remember – is a big-hearted, quaintly British romantic-comedy-drama about an older woman finding a new lease on life by embracing the small joys of life after reconnecting with her quirky, joie-de-vivre-living sister who teaches her that all the money in the world can't replace a life well lived and true love comes from those who respect and love who you are, not for what they want you to be. As this ...

Solid stuff but, I hate to say it, they made the wrong film. This review is also on Channel 24 What it's about The year is 1982 and it is ten years since the day that Mason Skiles' life fell apart. As the US ambassador to Lebanon in the early 1970s, Skiles and his wife were living the high life in Beirut until she was killed in a terrorist attack perpetrated by the brother of the young orphan, Karim, who was living under their care. Now an alcoholic, working as a small-time labour negotiator, Skiles is called upon by the CIA to once again head back to Beirut to secure the release of an old friend: a CIA operative with in-depth knowledge of the Agency's operations in Lebanon who is being held by a renegade group of terrorists with a single demand, the release of the very man responsible for the death of Skiles' wife. What we thought The very definition of solid, Beirut, which is written and directed by veteran scribe, Tony Gilroy, is a perfectly com...