Because Everybody Else Has One

Another biggie this week - and it's not even the only film really worth seeing this week. I may cover it at some point - there's a bunch of great films that came out this year that I haven't reviewed and I really should do a roundup of all of them towards the end of the year and things slow down - but do check out Searching if you get the chance. It's really good. Anyway, this review, like all of those that I've been doing of late, is up on Channel 24 too. What it’s about Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and this is the story of how he got there. From dealing with the death of his young daughter in 1961 through returning as a hero after completing the first successful, manned mission to the moon in July 1969, we see Armstrong struggling to come to terms with his loss even as each step that brings him closer to the moon is littered with obstacles, both practical and emotional. What we thought Quite unlike Hidden Figures and less ev...

Well, this one's interesting at least. This review is also on Channel 24 What it’s about In the early 20th century, a small-time thief named Henry “Papillon” Charriere is wrongly convicted of murder and is sent to the hellish, maximum-security prison on Devil’s Island in French Guiana – a penal colony known for being all but impossible to escape. Upon arriving at the prison, Papillon – or Pappi, to his friends – teams up with the bookish rich but physically weak, Louis Dega, in an effort to first survive the place and then, ultimately, do the impossible and escape from the inescapable prison. Based on a true story. What we thought One week after the release of a Star is Born, we are once again back with a remake of a well-known and largely well-received film from the 1970s. Unlike a Star is Born, though, Papillon probably should have stayed in the 1970s. Here’s the kicker, though: Papillon is a genuinely good, well made film – it’s just one that I find all but impossibl...

Sigh. Back to the slums with a movie that I really wish I liked a whole lot more. This review is also up on Channel 24  (though I actually changed a couple of lines later on in the review to make them a bit less clumsy than my initial review. This is why I shouldn't reread my work - it just makes me notice all the mistakes.) What it’s about After years of war and man-made climate change, the Earth is on the brink of becoming entirely inhospitable for human life so a group of scientists, working both with the United Nations and a part of the US military, launch a program to allow humanity to withstand the hostile climate and general inhospitality of Titan, the largest moon of Saturn and our greatest hope for survival. Assembling a crack team of military men and women, the scientists behind the program start experimenting on them to transform their human physiology into a new kind of human that can survive on an entirely different homeworld. It’s not long, however, before it ...

Another week, another bad mo- Wait, this one is actually good!  This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about The third remake of the 1930s classic, this modern retelling of a Star is Born tells the story of a troubled and ageing rock star, named Jackson “Jack” Maine, who finds a new lease on life when he discovers a promising young singer/songwriter, Ally, by accidentally and drunkenly stumbling into the drag bar where she has a regular spot covering other people’s songs. All it takes is one performance of La Vie En Rose and he is smitten. The two quickly fall in love, even as he discovers that she is in possession of a keen songwriting talent to match her knockout vocal skills and stage presence. Shortly after convincing her to join him on stage to sing some of her own songs, Ally is discovered by a music manager who puts her on a quick and dirty road to guaranteed pop-stardom. As her career sky-rockets, though, Jack is torn between his love for Ally and...

The streak of weak to terrible films continues with the worst film to bear the Marvel name since the awful Fantastic Four reboot.  This review is also up on Channel 24   What it’s about Eddie Brock seems to have it all, including a fiancée who loves him and a massively successful news show, but when he asks the wrong sort of right questions to Carlton Drake, a mega-wealthy geneticist/ business mogul, he soon finds himself out of a job and, having attained his information from privileged files on his lawyer fiancée’s computer, out of love too. Down on his luck and desperate, Eddie decides to take a more hands-on approach at investigating Drake’s experiments but, while doing so, he becomes infected with a Symbiote – an alien parasite that grants him incredible powers.  What we thought Between the initial decision to make a Venom origin story without Spider-man, a trailer that made it look like a c-grade superhero (or is that anti-superhero?) flick from the ...

OK, this one isn't bad at all but, eh, for someone as super-talented as Rowan Atkinson, it's nowhere near as good as it should be either. This review is also up on Channel 24 , where you might have seen it over the past five days! What it’s about After a cyber-attack on British Intelligence leaks the names of all operative agents, MI7 are forced to call back into the field one agent they really hoped to have seen the last of: Johnny English. Now, with his trusty sidekick, Boff, at his side and a beautiful Russian spy on his tail, English is all that stands between order and technological Armageddon. Heaven help us all. What we thought You would think that by the third entry in this underwhelming spy-comedy series, I would have learned to temper my expectation that a Johnny English film would ever be anything more than a moderately amusing but instantly forgettable footnote in the career of one of the UK’s greatest comedic talents. Predictably enough, Johnny English...

Once again late with posting my Channel 24 reviews from last Friday. I feel particularly bad because some of you, my dear (few) readers, may not be aware of just how rotten this film, in particular, is. I mean, I've heard that there are other reviewers out there - all of whom feel the same way as me, apparently - but that can't be right, can it?  What it’s about The true story of John Gotti, the notorious mob enforcer who worked his way up the ranks of the Gambino crime family to become, the “Teflon Don”, the face of organized crime in Boston in the 1980s. What we thought It’s not often you come across a film based on a potentially interesting true story of one of the most notorious mobsters in history that turns out to be this much of a turkey. Gotti isn’t just a film that pales in comparison to dozens of gangster films – Goodfellas, being a particularly obvious touchstone here – but looks all the more embarrassing for how it looks like nothing more than the result...

And the other terrible movie of the (last) week. Though, not for nothing, this one is even worse! This too has been up on Channel 24 since this past Friday. What it’s about While deployed in South East Asia, James Silva, an elite American intelligence officer is approached by a police officer with some invaluable, deadly information, which he will hand over in exchange for asylum in America. With competing groups after the cop and the knowledge he possesses, Silva and his team need to get him onto a plane heading out of the country before time runs out. What we thought Including shorts and TV episodes, Mile 22 is Peter Berg’s 28th credited directorial effort. It is also the fifth film he made with Mark Wahlberg in the leading role. I bring this up not just because in Mile 22 Berg seems entirely unaware of Wahlberg’s strengths and weaknesses as a performer but because it is a film so ineptly put together on even the most basic levels that it’s almost impossible to believe t...

Between Rosh Hashana and my desire to expunge these two films from my memory, I forgot to post my latest reviews. Time permitting, I hope to write at least a short review of the brilliant BlacKKKlansman but for now, here is the first of two films to skip that came out this past Friday. Both reviews have, however, been up on Channel 24 since then. What it’s about A prequel to the Conjuring, the Nun picks up in 1952 when a novice, Sister Irene, teams up with a veteran priest, Father Burke, on a Vatican-sanctioned mission to investigate the mysterious suicide of a nun in an ancient convent in Romania. What we thought Building on the groundwork laid by 2010’s Insidious, the original Conjuring film cemented the return to more traditional horror after years of increasingly ghastly “torture-porn” and found-footage drew the entire genre (or at least the Hollywood version of it) deeper and deeper into the mud. It may not have ranked right up there with the very best horror films e...

Denzel's first sequel. Eh, maybe he should have made Fences 2 instead. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Robert McCall is now a Lyft driver at day and a vigilante at night whose daily routine of helping the helpless is undermined when his past comes back to haunt him when his old friend and former CIA handler, Susan Plummer, becomes embroiled in the particularly grizzly death of one of her agents in France. What we thought The Equalizer is still the closest that Denzel Washinton has come to making a superhero film – picture the Punisher with some of Superman’s righteousness thrown in for good measure – so it’s fitting that its sequel would be the first time in his career that he has ever reprised a role. It’s all about franchises these days, after all. Teaming once again with director, Antoine Fuqua – the man who in many ways put Washington on the map (and, oddly, vice versa) – the Equalizer 2 almost gets by purely on Washington’s apparently endless r...