Because Everybody Else Has One

More John Wick? Is it still quantum, baby? Well, maybe. Baby. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Picking up immediately after the events of John Wick 2, John Wick is now classified as “ex communicado” by the shadowy syndicate of assassins known as “The Table”, which means that every other assassin on the planet is out to get him and he is entirely cut off from all the resources that the Table offers their assassins. Cashing in on every favour owed him, Wick has no choice but to either re-enter the syndicate's good books or vanish so completely off the face of the Earth that no one will ever bother him again. What it’s about After being pretty lukewarm about both of the previous John Wick films, the third instalment hasn’t exactly changed my mind about the series but I can quite confidentially declare John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum to be by far the best John Wick flick to date. If you haven’t liked the other John Wick movies then you won’t...

OK, this isn't quite as bad as you may have heard. It's certainly not good, though. This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about When low-level con artist, Penny, worms her way into her life, high-class hustler, Josephine, does her best to remove Penny from her life as quickly as possible before she has a chance to ruin the life she has built for herself on the French Riviera. When everything she tries fails, she challenges Penny to a wager whereby the first to swindle a young tech-billionaire out of $500,000 gets to stay in this swanky riverside paradise while the loser has to leave for less desirable climes. What we thought The Hustle is a gender-swapped remake of the ‘80s Steve Martin/ Michael Caine comedy, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which was itself based on the lesser known Marlon Brando/ David Niven vehicle, Bedtime Stories from 1964. Third time, as it turns out, is not always the charm. Despite a certain amount of snobbishness by some critics at the t...

Not a good week for female-led comedies, I'm afraid... This review can also be found on Channel 24 . What it’s about After being diagnosed with cancer and refusing treatment, Martha moves to a retirement village to simplify her life while she awaits the end. Though prickly at first to all the other residents, she soon sparks up a friendship with the vivacious Sheryl and, despite the protestations of the communities queen bee, the two decide to start a cheerleader club for older women. What we thought They may serve the same purpose but there is a world of difference between saccharine and sugar. Neither may be exactly healthy but while sugar provides a natural, pleasing sweetness, saccharine provides a sweetness that is hollow, artificial and leaves a ghastly after-taste. This applies to sweetening a cup of coffee, obviously, but it also applies to sweetening that most deadly of film genres: the so-called “feel good” comedy. This might seem an over-exaggeration and i...

Between this review being posted on Channel 24  and now, this tiny independent movie has made over a billion dollars worldwide and shattered every box-office record ever. The only reason I mention this is that, aside for this pretty definitively putting to bed the idea of there being anything approaching "superhero fatigue", I can't help but wonder if that means that a bunch of people who hadn't seen the previous MCU films, including Infinity War, went to see this anyway. That would be... interesting. But, to be fair, it's probably mostly just repeat viewings. And, as you'll see, there's definitely a reason for that... What it’s about After the events of Infinity War, the remaining Avengers put together a last-ditch plan to undo the universe-wide damage done by Thanos. What we thought These mega-event films are usually pretty tough to review as you want to give away as little about their plot as you possibly can, while also acknowledging ...

From the hideous to the sublime...ly hideous. No, really. This is a seriously, seriously good film that deals with very serious subject matter with real compassion and skill. But, boy, are you going to need a stiff drink/ joint/ Brooklyn Nine-Nine marathon (delete where applicable) after seeing it. And, maybe it's just that I'm familiar with Hebrew, but isn't Kfar Nachum so much easier to pronounce than Capernaum? Interesting title either way. This review is, as is so often the case, also up on Channel 24 .   What it’s about While serving a five-year sentence for a violent crime, thirteen-year-old Zain sues his parents for bringing him into a world that has done nothing but beat him down. During the trial, we flashback to the past few years that led him to such a dire situation. What we thought Capernaum – named after the fishing village in Northern Israel, Kfar Nachum, which, according to the New Testament, played a central role in the trials and tribulati...

Hell is right. This review has been up on Channel 24 all weekend. I hope it did some good and dissuaded at least some people from wasting their hard-earned money on this steaming pile of doo doo.  By the way, I wrote this immediately after seeing the film at a public screening last Thursday night (no critics screening, what a shocker), mere hours before it was to be released in cinemas so I'm sure there are even more typos and grammatical errors than usual. I also referred to Batman Begins coming out in the same year in the original review, but I fixed that to what Batman film actually came out in 2008: the Dark Knight.  What it’s about When a group of Nazis try to call up a demon to help turn the tide of the Second World War in their favour, it turns out that the demon they summoned is just a baby. Sent to stop this menace, the BPRD, a government agency dedicated to dealing with paranormal menaces the world over, is prevented from murdering the baby demon by one o...

I'm probably the last person in the world to review this but I can't help but throw in my own two cents on a superhero movie. Especially not one I enjoyed as much as this. Unsurprisingly, this review ran a little long and more than a little late but, as I'm about to post my *shudder* Hellboy (2019) review, spending some time on a film like Shazam feels all the more appropriate... The Plot : Billy Batson is a troubled teenager who has spent his childhood being shunted from one foster home to the next ever since he was separated from his mother at a carnival when he was a toddler. After stopping his latest "foster brother" from being beaten up by a group of school bullies, Billy finds himself before the wizard, Shazam, who bestows on Billy superhuman powers in an effort to stop Thadeus Sivana, a ruthlessly ambitious Evil Scientist who dedicated his life to finding the Wizard and stealing his powers but instead, in his failure, let loose the embodiment of the ...

Hide those razors... This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Roy Cady is a professional hitman who has just been diagnosed with lung cancer and after escaping a trap set up for him by his own boss, he finds himself on the run with a young prostitute and her kid sister. The trio soon find themselves laying low in a hotel in Cady’s hometown, Galveston, where they are forced to confront where they came from and where they’re going. What we thought Galveston marks the English-language directorial début of Melanie Laurent, the fantastic French actress probably still best known to international audiences for playing Shoshana in Tarantino’s Inglorious Bastards. I have never seen any of the French films she directed (South African cinemas seem to show less and less foreign language films with each passing year) but her first crack at the American and English-speaking market may be far from entirely successful but it does show a director very much in command of her abil...

It's amazing that we've reached a point where a film that portrays the various infidelities of a potential candidate for the US presidency can't help but come across as even quainter than period films set over a century ago but this is the state of the world right now. It's not a great movie, but those interested in US politics will find plenty to enjoy here. This review is also up on Channel 24 .   What it’s about The true story of Gary Hart, the US senator who was considered the front runner to be the Democratic nominee for president in the 1988 elections but whose entire political career was derailed by a series of extramarital affairs that are uncovered by a group of journalists. What we thought There is something almost adorably quaint about the Front Runner. This little film about a presidential front runner who was caught by the press having an elicit affair and whose entire political career collapses as a result, may have been set just thirty years ...

Begging for an Oscar, deserving a raspberry.   This review is also up on Channel 24 What it’s about Erin Bell is a washed-up, self-destructive detective who is drawn into a new case involving a group of criminals whose gang she infiltrated years previously in a disastrous undercover operation. Will this case drag her even further down as it reopens old wounds or will it giver her one final shot at redemption? What we thought Continuing Nicole Kidman’s return to prominence, Destroyer casts her in the sort of role that is almost entirely the opposite of the sort on which she built her name. Where once she was typecast in roles that called for a certain brittleness and fragility (see the underrated horror film, The Others, for arguably the best example of this), here she plays someone tough and almost entirely emotionally closed off. She is, in short, excellent as our anti-hero Erin Bell. Sadly, she is hampered by having to act her way through some distractingly overb...