Because Everybody Else Has One

Now this one is just a really pleasant surprise. Though, I don't know why it should be: it does star Rose Byrne, after all. This review is also on Channel 24 What it’s about Pete and Ellie are a happily married couple who decide that it’s finally time to take the plunge and have kids. Opting to adopt rather than give birth, the couple ends up fostering three siblings from a broken home: a headstrong teenager, a hyper-sensitive pre-teen and a lively but tantrum-prone pre-schooler. As kids and foster parents learn to come to terms with one another, the children’s birth mother returns to make an already complicated situation even more difficult. What we thought Instant Family’s flaws are pretty much exactly what you might expect them to be based on the premise. It’s a family drama that is predictable, somewhat clichéd and sentimental bordering on mawkish. At nearly two-hours long, it’s also much longer than such a film should be. What is perhaps less expected, though, is j...

And the other terrible movie of the (last) week. Though, not for nothing, this one is even worse! This too has been up on Channel 24 since this past Friday. What it’s about While deployed in South East Asia, James Silva, an elite American intelligence officer is approached by a police officer with some invaluable, deadly information, which he will hand over in exchange for asylum in America. With competing groups after the cop and the knowledge he possesses, Silva and his team need to get him onto a plane heading out of the country before time runs out. What we thought Including shorts and TV episodes, Mile 22 is Peter Berg’s 28th credited directorial effort. It is also the fifth film he made with Mark Wahlberg in the leading role. I bring this up not just because in Mile 22 Berg seems entirely unaware of Wahlberg’s strengths and weaknesses as a performer but because it is a film so ineptly put together on even the most basic levels that it’s almost impossible to believe t...

It's like Deja Vu all over again. This review is also up at Channel 24 What it's about An ancient artefact holds the key to saving the world from a new Transformers threat. What we thought This being the fifth – fifth! - Transformers movie, it's hard to go in with anything but the worst expectations as every single one of the last four easily rank among the worst blockbusters released this century. Yes, even the first one – which some critics of the series like for some reason. And yet, director Michael Bay has surprised in the past. The Rock and the first Bad Boys were very solid action comedies and he even managed to pull out a surprisingly good black comedy in the form of Pain and Gain a few years back. Granted, I'm still convinced that the latter was good entirely by accident but the point still stands. So, does Bay redeem himself? Is the latest Transformers movie even remotely worth watching? No. Of course, not. Even the most open of min...

Keeping with the format I adopted last time, my review of the Birth of a Nation comes from Channel 24 and, exclusive to this blog, are another two films that released on Friday that deserve at least a mention.  (Sorry this is a bit extremely late... holiday laziness...) What it's about The (mostly) true story of Nat Turner, the slave/ preacher who used his influence to incite a bloody uprising against slave owners in the American South. What we thought Despite intentionally “stealing back” its name from the groundbreaking but morally despicable 1915 D.W. Griffiths film, the Birth of a Nation mostly exists in the long shadow of 12 Years a Slave, the multiple-award-winning modern masterpiece that set a new bar for films about slavery. Sadly for it and its now infamous writer/ director/ star, Nate Parker, it doesn't come anywhere close to matching that film's emotional power, its complex intelligence or its quietly brilliant filmmaking. This isn't ...

Well, I like it... This review is also up at Channel 24 What it's about When Ted (the talking teddy bear voiced by Seth MacFarlane, for those of you just tuning in) and his new wife, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), try to adopt a child, he quickly learns that he is considered not a living, sentient being but property by the state. Enlisting the help of his best friend John (Mark Wahlberg) and a wet-behind-the-ears young lawyer, Samantha (Amanda Seyfried), Ted takes the matter to court to reinstate his rights as a person – an act that is complicated both by Ted and John's habit of making tremendous messes of their lives and the re-emergence of an old nemesis. What we thought Ted 2 has already been met with a certain amount of hostility, by professional critics and “regular” cinema goers (an impressive feat considering it only opens today worldwide) alike, so I'm apparently going against the grain here but it has to be said: I loved Ted 2. Yes, it's crude...

I would write a snappy introduction but I'm currently busy working out just how many hours I've wasted of my life on these bloody movies... Oh. Bloody hell. This review is also up at Channel 24 . What it's about Five years after the Battle of Chicago, an amateur inventor and his teenage daughter make a startling discovery that soon makes them the targets of rogue CIA agents, alien bounty hunters and an all-new breed of man-made Transformers - with the future of both the Autobots and the earth itself hanging in the balance. What we thought After three awful Transformers movies, I went in to Age of Extinction fully expecting the worst but, at about half an hour in, I was starting to wonder if perhaps I've always been too hard on Michael Bay and his mega-budget updates of this beloved 80s toy/ cartoon franchise. Or, at the very least, I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe Bay had finally learned something from his past mistakes and would fi...

Marky Mark goes Apocalypse Now! The result's a lot less funny than you'd think. This review is also up at Channel 24 What it's about Navy Seal, Marcus Luttrell, and his team embark on a mission to capture or kill a Taliban terrorist leader but their mission is soon compromised as a group of mountain herders happen upon them. Before long, the hunters become the prey as the Seals are faced with a fight for their very lives against overwhelming Taliban forces. Based on a true story. What we thought Lone Survivor is a difficult film to review. On the one hand, it's technically impressive as veteran director Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights, The Kingdom) bounces back from the utterly atrocious Battleship with a war film that actually convinces as a realistic depiction of the horrors of war. It's well acted (it's pretty much impossible to dislike Mark Wahlberg these days), beautifully shot and boasts some of the year's best sound design. Unfo...

The year(s) of the Wahlberg continues... Also up at Channel 24 . What it's about A DEA agent and a naval officer try and infiltrate a drug cartel by staging a bank robbery and the fact that neither knows the other is working undercover is only the beginning of many, many complications that soon arise. What we thought 2 Guns is, what, the seventh comic book movie this year? That's right, it may not be about superheroes and it may seem to have far more in common with regular action comedies than anything particularly “comic booky” but it is based on the Steven Grant comics of the same name, published by Boom Studios. Like A History of Violence and Ghost World before it, 2 Guns once again shows what a misnomer “comic book movie” actually is. And, to be honest, that's probably the only really interesting thing about it. There's nothing in 2 Guns we haven't seen before, because even if the central conceit of the plot is fairly innovative, what transpir...

And the best talky, sweary teddy bear movie of the year goes to... Also at Channel 24 What it's about As a lonely young boy, John Bennet's (Mark Wahlberg) wish to have his teddy bear, Ted, come to life was magically granted and the two have been inseparable best friends ever since. Now, with John well into his thirties and in a long term relationship with Lori (Mila Kunis) he is finally faced with a life-changing decision: embrace adulthood and his life with Lori or continue his arrested adolescence partying and lounging about with Ted. What's a guy to do? What we thought Right off the bat, Ted has a premise that simply doesn't work. No, not the idea of a talking teddy bear: that is surprisingly easy to buy into. What really beggars belief though, is this certifiably insane idea that any straight male would rather spend their time with a teddy bear, talking or otherwise, than with Mila Kunis. As far as great moral dilemmas go, we're not exac...