Because Everybody Else Has One

A movie produced by Simon Cowell! And it doesn't suck! This review is also at Channel 24 . What it's about Based on the true story of Paul Potts, a regular working class guy whose dreams of being an opera singer is given new life by popular talent show, Britain's Got Talent. What we thought One Chance has all the ingredients of a truly wretched viewing experience. Not only does it co-star MacKenzie Crook who, despite playing an integral part in the original UK version of the Office, has become a one-man omen of bad British movies – movies so bad they never seem to leave the British Isles – it is produced by Simon Cowell. Yes, that Simon Cowell. Everything pointed to this being little more than a cynical ploy to shill the Simon Cowell brand to unsuspecting movie goers who already had enough of his empire of manufactured pop on TV, thank you very much, but are now stuck having to swallow it on the big screen too. That the film is based on one of his show's ...

Got life if you want it... This review is also up at Channel 24 , where the blurb should read "timed" not "times", by the way. What it's about A documentary about the concert that took place on 12 December 2012 to raise funds for those affected by Hurricane Sandy. What we thought I genuinely have no idea how or why this film is gracing our cinemas right now, as it certainly isn't timely and I can't see it making much of a splash against the Easter holiday movies that are currently on release. I'm kind of happy to see it though. Its mixture of Hurricane Sandy footage, backstage glimpses into the 12-12-12 concert and the concert itself aren't exactly revelatory and they add up to a relatively sub-par music documentary that doesn't have the backstage drama of a Gimme Shelter, the satisfying concert feel of a Last Waltz or even the spiky, often funny social conscience of CSNY's Deja Vu. Still, though it's hardly essential ...

Houston, we have a problem. Boy, do we. This review is also up at Channel 24 . What it's about Sometime in the not too distant future, an international crew of astronauts embark on a mission to find life on one of Jupiter's moons. What we thought Films that deal with space travel and the dangers thereof have been around for a long, long time and include such seriously notable works as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Silent Running, Alien, Moon and Gravity. Europa Report isn't so much a forgettable footnote of this illustrious genre, as it is a particularly ugly stain. The only good thing about it, in fact, is that I seriously doubt that anyone will remember it even exited once it has come and gone from our cinemas in what is guaranteed to be a mercifully short amount of time. What we have here is a science fiction film that is ceaselessly dull, underdeveloped, poorly written and blandly directed and fails entirely to engage on any level whatsoever. It has none of t...

No octopuses were harmed in the making of this movie... This review is also up at Channel 24 What it's about An amoral advertising executive is kidnapped and held in captivity for twenty years. When he is finally unceremoniously and unexpectedly released, he embarks on a trail of violence and vengeance to find out who kidnapped him and why. What we thought The original Oldboy, released way back in 2003, is a South Korean cult classic that took the psychological thriller in a bold and unprecedented demented new direction that made its American contemporaries look almost immediately tired and uninspired by comparison. Like the best cult movies, it isn't perfect and it alienated anyone who wasn't ready for anything quite so full on, but it was a smart, stylish and viscerally engrossing piece of work that may have been based on an already existing manga (Asian comic book) but always felt entirely fresh and original. It was also, quite easily, one of the decade'...

Kicking off this week's movies with a biggie, we have what is easily my most Jewish movie review ever! This review is also up at Channel 24 .   What it's about A retelling of the Biblical story of Noah, the man chosen by God to save himself, his own family and two of each kinds of animal from a flood that is to submerge the entire world and wipe out the rest of humanity. What we thought Even as far as “religious” films go, Darren Aronofsky's cinematic adaptation of the story of Noah has drawn a quite staggering amount of controversy – most especially by the more conservative Christians and Muslims out there who abhor Aronofsky's very obvious refusal to adhere to a literal understanding of the story as it is presented in the Bible. Generally, this sort of controversy says little about the quality of the film in question, but that's actually not the case this time. In my years writing for this site, I don't believe I have ever reviewed a film throug...

I'll have a bunch of quickie reviews for some other notable movies soon, I promise. For now though, The Muppets' latest, This review is also up at Channel 24 What it's about After coming together again in the last movie, the Muppets embark on a world tour but their happy reunion may be short lived as their new manager and his boss, the evil Kermit look-alike Constantine, use the tour as a cover for a string of heists leading to their ultimate target: England's Crown Jewels. What we thought Who doesn't love the Muppets? With their wealth of personality and killer jokes that works equally as well for adults as they do for children, it's hardly surprising that Jim Henson's legendary creations are enjoying yet another big screen revival. Their self-titled 2011 film brought The Muppets to a new generation with all the jokes, heart and old fashioned puppetry – this may be the 21 st century but fortunately no one dared to try and digitise these cruc...

I still have a few more of last week's releases to look at but I'm going to do something completely different and review a film days before it actually comes out. I'm just that excited by it... If you've been waiting for Marvel Studios to take their first major stumble and break the chain of good to excellent films that they've been releasing for years now, I'm afraid you're just going to have to wait a while longer. Captain America: The Winter Soldier doesn't just continue Marvel's winning streak, though - it seriously ups the ante. Never mind just being infinitely better than its predecessor, the good Captain's latest adventure may well be the most creatively satisfying Marvel movie to date. It's best to know as little about the plot going in as possible but The Winter Soldier shifts from the war movie dynamics of its predecessor towards what is basically a spy film on steroids. While Cap continues to settle into life in the 21st c...

Lets kick off this quite large week with a review of yet another really good coming of age story. I will have reviews of the rest for you soon but don't expect anything on Reasonable Doubt (which was screened at an inconvenient time at the last minute - also it's apparently rather less than great) and Single Mother's Club (because by now you should know whether or not Tyler Perry is for you and I can't stand his stuff) anytime soon. This review is also up at Channel 24 .  What it's about Sutter Keely is a popular high school kid who lives his life according to the philosophy of “living entirely in the now”, as is attested to by his lack of interest in his post-high school future and his total callousness towards an increasingly obvious drinking problem. His life changes expectantly, however, when he wakes up on the lawn outside the house of Aimee Finicky – an introverted, “nice” girl in his class whose existence he had never so much as registered before – a...

This was a pretty big week so while I have already covered two of this week's major releases, there are still a few more to go. I, Frankenstein. If you though the Underworld movies are the best ever representation of vampires and/ or werewolves then this is for you. This witless, unexciting, derivative, nonsensical garbage is about as bad a retelling of Mary Shelly's classic tale as you could hope to find. Well, semi-retelling anyway. It does start in those way-back days with the creation of the monster by Victor Frankenstein and the monster's ultimate rejection by his maker and the rest of the human world after he takes a human life but most of the film takes place in the present where the Monster (soon christened Adam before finally taking his creator's name) gets caught up in a war between the heaven-sent Gargoyles and the decidedly more hellish demons and while he tries to gain a better understanding of his origins, the demon boss tries to use Victor Frankenste...

Unbelievably, this week sees the release of two truly excellent movies - and they couldn't possibly be more different from one another.  First up, the return of Alexander Payne. Now in glorious black and white! This review is also up at Channel 24 . What it's about Father and son, Woody (Bruce Dern) and David (Will Forte) Grant, embark on a roadtrip from Billings, Montana to Lincoln, Nebraska to claim the million dollars that Woody is convinced is owed to him from a piece of junkmail marketing that he receives in the post. Their already fairly frayed relationship is put to the test as David is forced to indulge his father's fantasies and monosyllabic gruffness – and that's before the two make a stop in the small town where Woody grew up and parts of his family still live. What we thought Nebraska hits squarely on two of director Alexander Payne's favourite subjects: cross-country roadtrips and complicated family dynamics and it does so with all the de...